Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Lola's up and coming Birthday

So this week end will be Lola's 10th Birthday, I sit here and imagine what I would be doing, of course organising her Party which would be on the Saturday at My Mums house, swimming in her pool. John would be doing the BBQ and I would now be busy organising food and drink and party bags, do 10yr olds have party bags? would this be a party she wanted or would she prefer a more grown up cinema and dinner party? who would she invite? these questions have been flying around in my mind now for the last couple of weeks. I always try and make my children's parties special I make a really big deal out of them, and I really think its because I thought I would have so many more with Lola and I didn't. I feel cheated! I feel angry with myself that her last ever Birthday party, her 2nd, was held the day after my Husbands & Sister in laws 40th, and consequently there were a lot more people there than She knew, it turned into something I didn't want but at the time I didn't see it as a big deal! I wish it had just been family, her best friend Harry, cousin Keira and her new baby sister - Ava. I can't believe she will be 10 years old, I last saw her when she was just 2years 8months, I want so badly just to have a small incite into the person she would have become, to see her laugh one more time, play with her sisters, have a conversation, tell me what she wants for dinner, silly things like this would make me the happiest person in the world !I know this can never happen and it breaks my heart even more. My new neighbours who I am very good friends with have their daughter's birthday party on the Saturday, I don't know what to do, my girls will enjoy it, but the guilt of being at another child's birthday party will be so hard and being neighbours its very hard to avoid!
My youngest Daughter is now 2years 11 months, I recently looked through some of Lola's things that I had kept, all her little socks now fit Lila-Bleu and some of her knickers too. I was never able to open this case when my other 2 were little but I am glad I did it this week. Each little pair of socks has a small memory that makes me smile and remember how gorgeous and yummy Lola was, she was my little shadow, we were together all the time. She was my first child and I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved her.....