Monday, 14 October 2013

My birthday.

 Last month was my 38th Birthday.... God it seems much older when you type it! Anyway as much as I haven't look forward to a Birthday since Lola died, I have been able to enjoy the last few and managed to celebrate and genuinely smile and have fun. This year as I sat on my bed and anticipated the stampede of my children bursting in with cards etc, I thought how fast the last 10 years had gone. I remember very clearly being 28 and it took me back to remember how perfect my life was then..... It was only 10 years ago, but Lola was alive and well, as we're my Mother & Father-in-law ( who I loved both dearly, like my own) and of course my Father was alive too. It struck me that in a mere 10years I had lost the most important people in my life,it didn't seem real or fair.... I wasn't 88 years old!!!!  That life feels like a lifetime ago, I was a different person. I didn't have to try to be happy, life was not such an effort I was perfectly happy.... And I probably didn't realize it! Do you ever get that feeling when you are in real physical pain.... Like tooth ache or tummy ache... Thinking I wish I just felt normal, why didn't I appreciate not having these pains before? I know it sounds crazy but I can't remember feeling normal,I over analyze everything, I question myself more now than ever before, I'm like a magnet to any depressing book or movie dispute being upset by the silliest of things. Recently I applied to that amazing website
"" because I thought it would be fantastic if they could stock some of the Gifts for Angels range, I knew it was a risk.... But after the reaction I have had from my customers I thought it was a huge market that they have not yet tapped into. Of course it was a very polite no thank you!!!! It upset me because I no they thought "o no, too sad, too depressing, don't want to be associated with death" yet because of how big they are, they are exactly the people to get my products to those that really need them. It's this attitude that makes people like me feel alone, after all  anything that brings a small amount of comfort in grief will always be welcomed with open arms..... Trust me I know.