The surgeon Mr Selway, came to see me with what looked like an xray picture, it was in fact the picture from the brain scan. He held it up over a light box and there it was, covering the right side of her brain, it just looked like a dark shadow. I was now face to face with this "thing" this "Tumour" that was causing us all so much pain. I felt numb, I was on my own at this point and I new there were at least 20 questions I should be asking, information I needed to have and to pass on to John, but all I could do was just stand there nod and stare at this abhorrent thing. He explained that they would have to operate to remove it in the morning and that I should try and get some rest tonight!
I sat down beside my Angel who was still unconscious and started to explain that when she was better Mummy was going to buy her the "Fifi" house that she wanted so desperately and the "Wiggles guitar". I think it was at this point that the terror and fear set in and I think for the first time since it had all started the possible reality hit me, I felt phsically sick and I immediately put the thought out of my head.
"She's going to be fine" I said out loud to myself! John had arrived with his two brothers and I was back to being strong and positive. He wanted to know why they were operating in the morning and not immediately (one of the 20 questions I did not ask!). His brother's left to pick up the rest of the family and were planning to return the next day. The nurses were wonderful, and advised us to go and get something to eat and have a break, we were reluctant but left for a short time. Withing 10 minutes of us leaving our mobile rang... we rushed back to the ward where there were a lot of people around Lola, preparing her for surgery.
"Lola's had a bleed to the brain, we need to operate now!" said someone.
Within minutes she was being taken to theatre, and we were left in the corridor watching her being wheeled away.......
We were shown to a tiny room with two beds, we lay there for a while until John spoke,
"Shall we pray?" he asked. We were desperate, John although been raised a catholic, was in fact an atheist.
We got down on our knees held hands and prayed, prayed so hard and begged God. We would be better, go to church, anything... just make her well.
My Sisters and Brother-in Law arrived at this point it must have been early hours of the morning and they just sat with us waiting. Some hours later the young surgeon, who had taken Lola down, wheeled her back. I noticed the blood on his shoes and I looked at him with that same desperate star I used in Worthing.
"She's critical", he said. At this point his mobile rang , "Yeah, alright Mate I'll be there in a minute!" he said in a loud and matter-a-fact way. Now, I don't know who was on the phone, it may have been another surgeon calling him to do yet another life saving op, or maybe it was his 'mate' that was waiting for him in the pub. Either way, his complete lack of respect and empathy to Lola, myself and John infuriates me to this day.
We stayed close to Lola, who lay still with a very large plaster over the top of her head. We were scared but hopeful when a lady Dr approached us and explained that Lola would need a great deal of care and recovery time, they weren't exactly sure what type of Tumour it was but if it was what she thought we needed to prepare ourselves for the long road ahead. Well I was just pleased that there would be a road ahead, but some time later that morning we were sat in front of this same DR, Mr Selway the surgeon and a nurse (I think!) it was at this point that they told us, Lola's brain was dead, the only thing keeping her alive was the machines. It is impossible to relay my feelings to you..... even now when I close my eyes and think of that moment my body is numb and I shake myself out of it, I still can not face that moment.
They moved Lola into her own private room, most of the family had arrived now. I remember being in the bathroom, I had to be alone, the pain was so horrendous I could not stand.....
"I don't know what to do, Lola" I said out loud, I felt a warmth around me for maybe 2 seconds I may have imagined this but I just knew she was gone.... That night with all her family around her she was given the last rites. They all kissed her goodbye and left Us alone with our Darling Girl. I held her in my arms as they turned off the machine her little heart was still beating I passed her to John and Lola left this world the same way she had entered it, in the arms of her ever loving Daddy.
It was 7 years today that Lola died and our Love for her will never change, she will always be a huge part of our family. To all those of you that have lost your loved ones, I send you my deepest sympathy and I wish you strength on you journey ahead.
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