Thursday, 20 March 2014

Today is not a good day

It is now nearly 8 years to the day that Lola passed away. We have plans for Saturday 22nd, but today is not a good day..... I can't seem to stop crying sometimes the build up to her anniversary is so much worse than the day. Fortunately I don't have a job that demands that I go into an office and function, because today that is just totally out of the question!Its a day when I just want to stay in close all doors and cry, just cry!
I have never really understood the expression "Burst into Tears" because for me this has never been the case.... Before if something upset me it would play on my mind and eventually I might have a cry, but never have I Burst into tears... Until the day when I heard the words that would haunt me for the rest of my life
" Lola has a very large brain Tumour on the right hand side of her brain"
since then that expression describes a lot of days in my life like today for example. School run - dark sunglasses trying not to meet people's eye so I don't have to speak to them. I could feel the Tears building and trickling all the way back to the car it was only once I got home that I shut the front door and collapsed into a heap and Burst into tears..... I sat in my hall wailing loudly, uncontrollably and I knew that this is how today will be. I made coffe and went into my garden and smoked a cigarette ( yes today calls for smoking!) and all of a sudden I was back in 2003, even the weather was the same maybe a little warmer, but the exact feeling of shock and disbelief came over me. It is so easy for me to transport my mind back to those days before the funeral, when my angle was lying in her bedroom. Every morning I would wake up (not that I really slept) hoping to God that it was not real, just a dream and there are no words to describe the feeling of reality that followed soon after.
On the 22nd of March 2006 Lola passed away, 23rd-29th she lay in her bedroom peacefully and I am so pleased we had her at home, she was my child, my baby, my world.
On the 29th March was her funeral and Lola left home for the last time....
My Darling Lola,
I don't know where the time has gone. I miss seeing your beautiful face smiling back at me. You have missed so much and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about you sweetheart. I know you are such a good girl and I hope that you are having fun with your grand parents but I miss you. I want to hold you tight and hug you. I want to drop you off to school and meet all your friends. I want to know what you like, are you happy do you need me? Are you ok with being taken away from your family so soon? Do you understand? Are you warm, do you have friends? Are you Happy? I love you so much my darling girl and my heart aches for you every day - do you know this? So many questions I have that I know I won't get an answer to, but know that I will hold you close in my heart forever and I will take you with me always.
Loving you Much, Much and Much My sweet sweet girl.
Mummy x
This piece was .written through tears and direct from my heart today, please excuse any poor
grammar.. I