Wednesday, 29 January 2014

What do you do when you see a funeral procession?

A question I always want to ask people is this
" what do you do if you see a Hearst with a sometimes long procession of cars following it?"
Befor Lola died, I would never over take such a procession if for instance it was on a dual carriage way... But I very rarely would acknowledge one, that may have been passing me as iwalked along a busy street! That's the truth and I feel ashamed to admit it.
The morning of Lola' funeral was by all accounts a big blur... The undertakers coming to take her from her bedroom, my husband and his brothers insisting that they carried her, me leaving her room before they closed........ ( I can't bring myself to say the next line let a lone type it, but you get the general idea). I remember looking at the car and walking around it, don't ask me why but did. Sitting in the car behind I was watching in disbelief the car in front as it pulled away taking my baby girl from her beautiful home for the very last time. Much more is a a blank but what really stands out is I was intently watching all the other cars that passed us, and when we drove into the centre of "Hove" it was busy with people going about their business.... The cars had to turn off a very busy street ( church rd) to drive to the church where the service was going to be held, as the car turned not 1 person out of the 50+ people in that street stopped, or made the sign of the cross or did anything!!!! I wanted to get out & scream at these selfish people , they didn't even notice the small white ...... That was in there very reach. How could people be so Unobservant, so dismissive, so disrespectful of what they were witnessing? It was very clear that it was a child and yet not 1 person did anything. It must haven only been 2 minutes but I was transfixed on all these people thinking
" someone will notice" but no, nobody did, they didn't care that that was someones whole world in that car, my whole world. Much was the same on the way back except for one man. He was walking up another busy road with a child on a scooter and caring another child who was clearly having a tantrum... He was busy but I never forget the look on his face as he glanced to his left and saw that first car & as he looked away he did a double take in utter disbelief.... His look was of shock and immense sadness... This one man in that 3 maybe 4 seconds restored a bit of my faith in the human race. In all that time 1 person stopped and looked and expressed the human emotion that I wanted, I needed and that I felt Lola deserved.
Now when ever I see a Hearst I stop just for a second acknowledge the procession and make the sign of the cross. So please I erg you all, even if your not religious just stop and show some respect to the dead and to their loved ones, it only takes seconds out of your life, but the memory I have of that one man will last a lifetime.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Bereaved Mothers

Hello All and Happy New Year, sorry I don't seem to be able to manage to write regularly any more, I do it when I feel inspired, stressed or just fed up! To day it is inspiration that brings me to my keyboard. With all the pain I go through as a bereaved parent means I can be of some use to others in my situation. I am further along with my grief and I was recently asked a very honest question from another bereaved mother,
" does it get easier?" And my answer was
"Yes". Life has away of bending to the traumas it throws at us. I honestly said that the pain does not leave you, nor would you want it to.... This pain is your scar, a reminder of your greatest gift & loss. A scar that you learn to hide, not because of others but so you can get up and meet the demands of each and every day. You are never the same person after experiencing such sadness, you are not a complete person anymore a party of you is missing. If for instance you had your right hand amputated, you would have to learn to do everything with your left hand.... It would be hard but you would have very little choice. In a similar way grief gives you no choice but to learn to live a different way.
Sometimes when I have these email/ phone conversations with other Mums in my position, it amazes me how easy it is. We have a mutual vulnerability a complete understanding of each other and yet we have never met, I have no idea about their general life, what their husband does for a living, where they were brought up and yet I am at ease in there company speaking to them about the most personal part of my life. We know so little about each other but we are drawn together because of the unspeakable agony that we all live with. Many of our usual friends will try to understand our pain but they never can & as time goes on people stop asking, but once someone has walked your path they understand and will always understand in 2 years or 22 years they will still get it!  We are not alone, and sometimes that's all we need to hear.
My love & strength I send to you all my friends , who knows maybe one day we may all actually meet!