Thursday 25 April 2013

Guilt and Grief, a well matched pair www.giftsforangels.co.uk

Apologies for the late blog post this week, but sometimes this blog is great therapy for me and other times I just want to pretend my life is fine, and hide from the various emotions that it can bring!
 I previously touched upon, "Guilty Grief", only at the time I was referring to feeling guilty when I grieved for my Father instead of my daughter, but what I have realised over the last few years is that Death and loss bring with it a package of guilt.
Guilt that I should have this massive amount of patience for  my remaining children and be the Best Mother Ever,  when in truth its the complete opposite I have less Patience and I shout, a lot, and have many poor parenting moments!
Then there is the guilt that I didn't do enough with "Lola" I should have taken her swimming in the winter more,  let her eat more chocolate, bought her more toys -  instead of buying her  the cheap rubbish kitchen from Woolworth's I should have bought her the much better one from ELC! Guilt that her last Birthday party ended up being more about me and my friends than her, guilt that I never decorated her bedroom (it was going to be her 3rd Birthday present!)
The guilt didn't stop there, I couldn't understand how I had no idea about the brain tumour, I must have missed the signs! Guilt that I didn't do all I could at the hospital. Guilt that I never had the right flowers at her funeral, guilt that her little white coffin looked cheap and tacky! The guilt came and went so much over the years that as I was just getting use to living with it, my father died! This catapulted my grief back into the forefront of my mind, suddenly I was torn with this overwhelming grief for my dad and guilt that Lola's death was now moved to the side. I got confused over why I was crying, was it for the loss of my Dad or the guilt that it wasn't for Lola? It comforted me to believe that they were together and this thought is what I had to focus on. Two years on from my Father's death I have finally won the guilt battle by realising it is OK to have days and moments when its about Him, not everything has to be about Lola's death.
So I have learnt that guilt and grief go hand in hand and learning to accept your guilt and learn from it enables you to let it go one day at a time. I am not saying I don't carry any guilt anymore, but I did win the fight, it does not consume me.http://www.giftsforangels.co.uk

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