How many children do you have? www.giftsforangels.co.uk

I recently wrote an article for ABC magazine Sussex, where I addressed a few of the issues surrounding grief. One of the topics I wrote about was the dreaded question,

"How many children do you have?"

When faced with this question you have maybe 1.5 seconds to decide whether or not you feel able to tell the truth and if so are you prepared for the next question? which usually is,
"How old are they?"
Now, the truth depends on so many things, I could just say 3 and deal with the horrendous guilt that comes with that truth or is the person asking worthy enough to know about my Lola and loosing her? and if so am I having a strong enough day to speak this truth? or Will I ever have to meet this person again in a social situation  i.e the check out lady in Tesco? if not I could tell her 4 and give their ages as they would be, this would make me happy initially but guilty that it is not really true & upset because I want it to be true! What if it was a friend of a friend in which case I either go for the 3 children answer or tell the truth or I could use my other answer which is,
"Well I have had 4 children" and when asked the next question just give ages of 3, believe it or not this works and people don't always pick up on the fact that I have given them 3 ages instead of 4! but the ones that do are obviously interested so I usually say,
"My eldest daughter passed away, she had a brain tumour". I find by telling them how she passed it stops any more questions or puzzled expressions. When faced with a large group of new people, for instance a new school I have found it easier to find the biggest gossip, tell them the whole terrible truth and that's it job done!
I watched a program some time ago with "Anne Diamond" , she tragically lost one of her Sons to cot death in 1991. She very clearly stated,
"I am a mother of 5,  4 surviving" I thought at the time how brave, but actually I realise now how necessary it was for her to say that. Like I mentioned earlier there is a terrible guilt that comes when as a mother you don't acknowledge one of your children just because they are no longer here.
So you see, such a simple question becomes a minefield of dilemmas. Only grief has the ability to  turn the most basic into the impossible.

I am a very proud Mother of 4 beautiful girls.  www.giftsforangels.co.uk