Learning to live another way - www.giftsforangels.co.uk

It has now been 7 years since My daughter Lola died, I am learning to live a different way. I say different because after loosing your child you will never be the same again and your life has to change. I have become harsher, less tolerant of people, and much more cynical. I remember thinking, "Why me?" in actual fact I really should be asking, "Why Not Me?", Death discriminates against no one, it has no pattern. Its like a tornado,  it can come without warning destroying everything in its  path and once its gone it leaves you with unimaginable devastation. In 7 years I am still broken, still in shock and I still miss her in my daily life. Of course I miss Her, but what I mean is when I'm leaving the house or a  place where I am gathering up my other 3 children I still take a moment to check I have them all. I get a huge sense that I have left one or forgotten one. Even though my last 2 children were born after Lola's death I still feel a massive empty space. The pain never leaves and that suites me, its a constant reminder of what I have lost.
 I think the fact that John and I seem very together and fine to the outside world, must make people think we are unbelievably strong, hence the......,
"I don't know how you do it" and
"You two are truly amazing!" comments,

 Firstly I don't remember being given a choice and secondly we have 3 other children 7yrs, 5yrs and 2yrs so we have no option but to be outwardly happy and together and let me tell you this in itself is exhausting, but I don't want to give my kids even a glimpse of our sadness. Its bad enough that they have to be touched by death at such a young age. We speak about Lola all the time and she is very much a part of our family. We send up balloons on her Birthday but we try to keep the anniversary of her death away from them that is why its better to be around other people, the people that shared our loss, the people that loved her like we did, the people that carried us through those first few debilitating days, weeks & months. Being alone is just too hard.
http:www.giftsforangels.co.uk         

Lola with her Big Cousin "Shaun", she really adored him.

 The tattoo Shaun had on his 18th Birthday.